The Poison of Want

More than forty years ago, I was beseeched to memorize the 23rd Psalm. The 23rd Psalm is heard by many and mostly at funerals. The reading of the 23rd Psalm at a funeral always baffles me. That Psalm was written by a man who, sitting on a hilltop sees his son's armies moving in to take over his kingdom. King David writes the 23rd Psalm from the pain of betrayal. For me the 23rd Psalm is a reminder that God's in charge. Period. What is...is. That all will be well in His time.

Whenever I’m upset, angry, up tight well you get the picture without more damning adjectives, unequivocally it is because I am in direct violation of King David’s first reminder:  The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want.  Note the word want. That’s the deal breaker. Recently, I experienced a life changing epiphany; a tale of a fifty year “want” that literally “jailed my joy” for a very long time.  Allow me to take you back to the beginning.

My son was five years old when his three-year-old sister died in an auto accident.  As a result, his primary year’s school teachers thought his difficulty in learning basic reading skills was one of grief and loss. It wasn’t until Mark was in the 4^th grade that he was diagnosed with ADD-attention deficit disorder.  ADD is an affliction that makes it difficult for the left and right sides of the brain to communicate.  Einstein had ADD so it isn’t about intelligence.  In fact, I believe those w/ADD have special talents that are just now being diagnosed and understood.

Mark struggled through school. Since the ADD was not diagnosed early enough, Mark missed learning the basics.  Embarrassed by his challenges, Mark became the class clown.  Mark spent many an hour accompanying the Vice Principal’s secretary away from the classroom as punishment.  Ms. Rydel fell in love with young Mark and became his advocate but that’s another blog.

Many children with ADD, without specialized attention turn to crime, drugs, and alcohol.  The filters are not there to help an ADD teenager discern right from wrong.  Mark was no different.

Mark became extremely unhandleable by me.  His father, not part of his life living elsewhere, was no help.  I always held hope that Mark would “come around”, be a productive member of society.  I wanted him to “fit in”.

At about forty, after a stint in jail for stealing a car and a year in prison for multiple drunk driving offenses, Mark finally found his niche – fixing boat motors.  People from miles out heard about Mark’s amazing ability to diagnose and fix even the sassiest of boat motor problems. 

We were estranged for many years until a beautiful girl eighteen years Mark’s junior fell in love with him.  She lasted about a year unable to cope with his narcissistic, rude, disrespectful behavior.  What she DID do however was reignite what was lost of our mother-son relationship.  Tentative at best, I tried to walk on eggshells around Mark, but my mothering skills occasionally kicked in and emotional fireworks would often ensue.  I can easily recall (but won’t) two very defunct arguments over his rude, unruly behavior that caused separation for months.  Fortunately, neither one of us was willing to experience the ten-year relationship hiatus we experienced Macy’s heart brought us back together.

All I really wanted was for Mark to be mannered and respectful.  It seemed that my want was never going to manifest.  I now look back and see that any possible chance I had to have a joy-filled experience as a mother was repeatedly deflated after a few short hours spent with Mark.

Apparently, constantly reiterating the 23^rd Psalm to myself, writing, studying and vlogging about it finally paid off! As if by God’s hand alone.  The book Switched On, by John Elder Robison fell in my lap.  Switched On chronicles the story of a forty-three-year-old man who was recently diagnosed with Aspergers disease.  Aspergers is on the Autism Spectrum between ADD and Autism.  In fact, 40% of people with Asperger’s also have ADD.  Robison described the loneliness he felt as a child.  Aware of his acting rudely and unmannerly but not being able to stop.  His amazing talent: fixing high end automobile motors.  I was stopped dead in my tracks.  Robison made it perfectly clear.  Mark too has Asperger’s.

All of a sudden all of the pieces fell into place.  Robison too had issues with the law.  Robison’s autobiography was to me like the discovery of the Ark of the Lost Covenant.  I finally understood my son.  My heart broke thinking of all the times I was in “want” for him to be different, to be “normal”.  What the hell is normal anyway?

Within three months of reading Robison’s book, my whole attitude, mind and heart, became one of peace and contentment.  I began to realize there were undercurrents of anger at Mark and failure on my part as a mother.  Like magic, these painful emotions washed away not only from the new mental knowledge Soul had bestowed me upon from Robison’s book but a renewing of my heart muscle to place that I may feel a love lost long ago.  I had tearful bouts imagining Mark’s lonely life; of all the time wasted between us because of my ignorance and anger.  My long term “want” released I noticed how I was able to joke and laugh with Mark; things whose absences were pummeled by my “wants”.  Moreso, it seems as if I have a had a switched-on life changing energy force come in and open me up to hear guidance to write. I mean creatively write a novel that has been bouncing around in my noggin for a while.

How is it possible that one could obsess with a want for nearly 50 years? Where would I be without the message of the 23rd Psalm? It's scary to even think about it.

Please, help me make my experience offer light for the collective.  What is it you “want”.  A new job?  A new spouse?  Someone to suffer for the wrongs they served upon you?  How about freedom?  World peace?  Want is a poison to one’s spirit self--- a beta blocker to everything light filled: joy, happiness, creativity, wisdom, faith, order, the true experience of love--- the list is endless.  To Want or Not to Want?  That is the question.  The choice is yours, as always.

Affirmation:  The Lord is my Shephard; I shall not want.

(Originally Published 8/8/2024)

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“I'm Catherine Wilcox, working to help others see that God is in all things, all the time, through conscious change and self-healing.”

If you have found this message enlightening, please send it to one friend.  This action will help my vision of a more enlightened species to help usher in the new healing Age of Aquarius.

Catherine Wilcox is a Conscious Change Coach, Mentor, emotional intuitive and Writer. If you like what you read here, then you may enjoy one of her Published Books:

·         God is in the Details, Little stories to nourish your faith

·         Sacred Prosperity, A Guide for Conscious Change

·         Sacred Grief, A Guide for Conscious Change

·         God is in the Details 2.0 (COMING SOON)

·         Sacred Space (COMING SOON)

·         Sacred Relationship (COMING SOON)

**Catherine’s latest Book, The New Stone Age, Crystal Data for the 21st Century, contains ten chapters of information designed to help the novice and intermediate crystologist obtain the secrets to working with crystals to help the four mind-bodies balance chaotic energy.

·         The New Stone Age, Crystal Data for the 21st Century

·         Chakra Speak, The Language of Chakras

·         Color Speak, the Language of Color

·         Grid Speak, the Language of Grids

·         The Crystal Apothecary Index, Rx for Crystal Healing

·         The Crystal Mineral Chart

·         Mineral Speak, the Language of Minerals - (COMING SOON).

·         Planet Speak: The Language of Planets – (COMING SOON)

·         Cosmic Speak: The Language of the Cosmos – (COMING SOON)